Whatever, Nevermind: A column by Samm Severin
Whatever, Nevermind: A column by Samm Severin
Originally published on March 10, 2020, by Plasma Magazine
SAYING YOUR PARENTS NAMES BACK TO YOU AS A COMPULSION, AS A TRIBUTE
I know that my friend’s mom is named Shelly. She tells me a story where she mentions her dad’s name, Mark, and I interrupt her to say, “Shelly & Mark.” I speak fast usually, but I say this slowly, really feeling the ampersand in my mouth and taking time to say both names. I have been doing this a lot lately, and I’ve caught others my age doing it, too.
What is this? Is this a shared compulsion, or am I doing this as a symptom of some broken part I carry? Am I doing this because I still demand that our origin stories are sweet and simple, and that we come from soft places that can be understood in monograms, in Christmas cards, in those little stick figure families on the back of family vehicles?
The last time I fell in love, I remember laying in someone’s lap and having them list off all of their aunts, uncles, and cousins. They told me which cousins went to which set of aunts and uncles and which aunts had which quirks and which uncles had which habits. I listened while my eyes got heavy, and tried to wake myself up every few minutes to check and make sure I absorbed the names and could take them with me to sleep.
Lists of names are sacred, and I think that’s why some Bibles have chapters full of them. As long as you hold knowledge of someone’s list of names and relations, you can’t deny that person meant something to you. As long as I know your father’s name, I know that I knew you. As long as we are making lists, I might as well learn enough from yours to add you to mine.
These saccharine snapshots of people I pieced together are probably my attempts to piece myself together too. My own list of names and events don’t offer me any clarity pointing towards a cohesive timeline. Everything that I ever experienced ends up stored internally as a clumsy mosaic, a collection of feelings that never started or began but just kind of became part of whatever makes the air thick when I let myself be quiet. I don’t think it’s just me. I think others have a hard time understanding their personal list of names and relations and events this way too, but it isn’t so hard when the list belongs to someone else. This is one of the things about being a friend I am learning to love more and more: holding the list of facts and names that belong to someone else and repeating them back to them to tell them, “I know you, I am here, I have been here, and yes I know your sister’s name.”
There’s no one new to grow up with. It’s only growing old from here on out. We come with histories already lived and the closest we get to sharing these now is by memorizing a list of names and repeating these names out loud like prayers, like spells.
Cover photo by: Stefania Antonucci, Instagram: @cavenug
Samm Severin is an Atlanta-based comedian, musician, and Nirvana fan. Her band Small has been featured on Plasma’s Urban Decay and is actively playing shows around Atlanta and beyond. She has opened for such comedians as Janeane Garofalo, Kyle Kinane, and Barry Crimmins. She has also hosted numerous comedy shows in the Atlanta area including “U Up” with Jen Lenny. You can listen to her comedy album “Stoned and Sad” on Spotify and hear her as the co-host for the Hamlet podcast “Wet Dreams May Cum” on Apple Podcast.